As the weary travelling Gulls come off the M5 and M6 motorways on their way up to this desolate footballing backwater they have yet to encounter perhaps the longest road of them all, the one that goes into Fleetwood. Like Morecambe, it is one road in and one road out only this road is punctuated with about 4 hundred and eighty six roundabouts just to make the journey that little more arduous. I'd like to say that the environs when you finally get there make it all worthwhile but I can't because put in it's simplest terms, there's f*ck all there.
Oh, I tell a lie. There is an Aldi or Lidl at the top of the road which I wandered up to last season to get a 'few bits' so I didn't have to fanny around going to the shop when I got home as i'd be knackered and wanted to flake out with a few gluten free beers on the sofa the minute I got in. I say a 'few bits' but what I really mean is a f*cking trolley full of stuff and when you get a trolley full of stuff at Aldi you need to be a bleedin' octopus! Never in your life would you be more happy to hear the words, "do you need any help with your packing?"! It must be the only supermarket in Britain where winners of 1 minute trolley dashes are quicker filling their trolley AFTER they reach the checkout.
Shopping at Aldi is a skilled art form for which customers should receive some special qualification and the only thing I like about the place is that if you've chosen an item and later decided that you don't want it then you can just dump it wherever you want on the shelves as that is what the store is like anyway. There cannot be a worse shopping experience than walking around Sainsburys with a 5 quid swordfish steak from the fresh fish counter, deciding that you no longer want it and then furtively trying to deposit it in between boxes of lego totally unseen. That is also a skilled art form. :Oops:
There really is nothing to do in Fleetwood and it quite literally is a dead end although i'm going to stop short of churning out the usual decaying seaside resort routine because it is not unique. If you DO feel a burning desire to spend any time in the town then please feel free to go your own way but avoid the beach. It failed the last water testing meaning the council could be forced to erect signage warning people not to go in the sea. F*ck me, it sounds safer in the waters off Amity Island! They claim such a measure would be damaging to tourism. I wouldn't worry about it mate, no f*cker goes there anyway and if they do they most probably can't read.
This marine filth scandal won't subside as Fylde councillor Susan Fazackerley got in on the act with her little lies and defended the Fleetwood coast by saying, "We have no control over the factors that affect the water, it could be anything from the weather to animals dying in the sea". Jesus! It really IS a death trap! I say to myself as I wander along the shimmering sands stepping over whale and porpoise carcasses. Anyway, what weather affects the sea enough to wipe out marine life?! FFS!! Acid Rain?! If animals are dying in the seas around Fleetwood then avoid at all costs or end up with dissolving appendages after having a paddle. Unbelievable.
Local 'funny man' Joey Blower is attempting to single handedly save the resort by building a hotel on the site of the old pier which burnt down in 2008. Apparently Mr Blower is massive on the clubland scene in places like Blackpool. The reason why Mr Blower is so popular is also the same reason why places like Fleetwood and Blackpool will never be able to move forward and step away from the past. It's phoenix nights-esque and i'm half expecting Jerry the Berry to be making an appearance at half time.
The decline of the fishing industry which decimated places like Fleetwood and Grimsby catalysed the deterioration of both towns and FTFC have a stand dedicated to all the trawlermen who have lost their lives from the port and it is called the Memorial Stand. I have the utmost respect for sea faring people and how I so wish that Fleetwood could have it's identity back and once again become a thriving fishing port. Sadly not however and having been to Cleethorpes a million times before I can certainly say that IT has adapted to the devastating change and in parts it is a lovely place. Fleetwood on the other hand............................
Anyway, near the ground you have the Aldi/Lidl (can't remember which) at the top of Highbury Road and a rancid chippy at the other end on the corner. Sandwiched in the middle is the official FTFC drinking hole Jim's Bar and I went in last year, to be fair it is modern, airy everyone was really friendly and they had Sky Sports on. There were no pubs and nothing much at all really, just a small park where young kids were throwing stones at ducks. Ahh. o:)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our opponents have made giant strides these past few years from non league oblivion to joint favourites for the league 2 title. This transition has taken place on and off the pitch with the Cod Army now plying their trade in the 5000 capacity Highbury Stadium which has been gradually developed and turned into a really nice place to watch football. They played their first EVER league fixture on the opening day of last season against the mighty Gulls and I was there and in true Ling style it was a sh*t, drab and boring game and we had the one obligatory golden chance per 90 minutes when Ian Morris was played in second half and failed to hit the target.
This season under Graham Alexander they mean business and although it p*sses me off that we are always skint and teams from tiny benign places like Fleetwood can somehow generate zillions of pounds to propel them up the leagues, I can't help thinking that what goes around comes around. Think Rushden & Diamonds and hopefully Crawley will be next. We are where we are and we do things properly and with due diligence and that is why we are a respected club.
If I first concentrate on their new arrivals they have signed centre backs Ryan Cresswell from Southend and Mark Roberts from Stevenage. Creswell is on a 2 year deal and arrived for an undisclosed fee whilst Roberts was released by the Hertfordshire club this summer after making 196 appearances. Ex Burnley and Man City defender Stephen Jordan has also joined the Cod Army.
Striker Matty Blair was added from York City, he will get goals, good player. The experienced Jeff Hughes joined from Notts County to bolster the midfield and he can get the odd goal or two and with him Steve Schumacher who drives the fans wild has come in from Bury. Ex Chester player Antoni Sarcevic has also been added as has defensive midfielder Stewart Murdoch who signed from Falkirk and is ready to go into the A Team. Liam Hogan is just one of 2 or 3 others to have been signed. Basically they've signed anything that moves.
Departures include Barry Nicholson who went to Kilmarnock, striker Steven Gillespie who I would have liked to have seen at Plainmoor is on loan at Cheltenham, Danny Rose has gone to Oxford, Youl Mawene has retired, ex Gull Kieran Charnock has joined Stockport County and there are another 10 players either released or on loan.
Current squad members include dangerous Jamaican hitman Jamille Matt who nearly always puts the gloss on a performance, THE BEAST John Parkin who is about as mobile these days as a skip, David Ball is another player to watch out for as is Gareth Evans.
So overall they have one of the largest and arguably better squads in the division however it is what they do on the pitch that matters and thus far they have had an indifferent start since their expected 3-1 opening day home victory over probable strugglers Dagenham & Redbridge. They beat the Gargs 2-0 at Home Park but they lost 3-2 at home to Burton, Rene Howe getting in on the action for Burton that day and they lost 2-0 at Wimbledon. They struggled to overcome Hartlepool and nicked a 1-0 win there and also lost 3-2 to Notts County in the COC first round.
If we put in a 90 performance then we can go up there and come away with the points, I've seen enough of us on the road to see that that is a distinct possibility. It will be tough but so will all the games in this division so why not?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TICKETS:
Terrace - ADULT = £16 OVER 65 = £11 UNDER 16 = £8 UNDER 5 = FREE
Seating - ADULT = £18 OVER 65 - £13 UNDER 16 = £10 UNDER 5 FREE
You can get tickets from Plainmoor but if you pay on the day you may pay a pound or two more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRAVEL:
The BYFB (big yellow fun bus) is in operation for the trip north to no mans land and as ever anyone is more than welcome to join the party just as long as you bring your own. A bottle of Morgans or a bong should suffice but failing that, a bag of skittles. As always, don't forget your medications.
BYFB Departs Paignton Railway Station @ 6.30 am (i'll be still knocking out the zeds then)
Departs Torquay Coach Station @ 6.45 am (i'll be STILL snoring)
Departs Newton Abbott Penn Inn @ 7 am (i'll be stirring, probably with an erection too)
Departs Exeter Services M5 @ 7.20 am (i'll have risen out of my pit to go and try the impossible, having a whazz whilst having a stiffy before finally being awake)
If you want to go to Fleetwood then it costs £35 and £17.50 for the under 12's.
Telephone 07861 907090 and thanks for your continued support.
For those of you making your own way there, by road just simply follow it until it ends and then you'll be there whilst on the train it will cost you 8 times as much, take you 4 times as long as you'll probably have to change at Wick or something and you'll be guaranteed to be sat near a weirdo. You could walk if you set off now or you could cycle if you are clinically insane or take drugs. Alternatively you could all chip in and privately hire a small fishing vessel from Teignmouth and navigate your way around Lands End and the picturesque Welsh coastline until you reached the Irish Sea. You'd know straight away that you were nearby as you will spot Blackpool Tower in the distance and a sea of blubber on the beach and this time it won't be anything to do with deceased marine cetaceans. Then you could turn in down the River Wyre and bob's yer uncle! Fleetwood away by trawler! If you don't do it Sky will.
They would probably prefer another idea that away fans commission a small submarine from the Royal Navy to make away trips and they could call it 3 SKYBET LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA where fans of a coastal based club playing away at another coastal club commandeer a submarine or other suitable submersible transport to travel to their away game. Sky TV chart their progress by launching mermaid and SS Presenter Charlie Webster in a little submersible pod wearing a specially adapted mermaid bikini made by M&S to dock with the travelling fans and experience every unique aspect of their journey and broadcast it to the nation and everywhere.
It is to be presented dockside by Prince Andrew and he is accompanied in studio by Jim White and guest presenter Captain Pugwash. Ok so it sounds a bit fishy but i'd be up for it! Might even bump into Squidward whilst i'm down there. He's such a miserable **** I love him!!
