Southend sit in 11th place in league 2 on 23 points after 17 games and have a goal difference of 3, 1 shy of our 4 which considering some of the cracking results they have had is surprising. They have had convincing wins away at Rotherham (3-0), Cheltenham (3-1) and Bristol Rovers (3-2) and score draws at Northampton (3-3) and at Argyle (1-1). They will probably score at Plainmoor given those stats so will we have enough desire and enough chances to get at least 2 given our recent dire performances and toothless attack? I don't know the answer to that one but thank f*ck we have the big lad back up top after his suspension because if anyone can, Rene can. His return should also boost the rest of the squad and hopefully instil some belief back into the side. One man team? It is becoming that more and more each passing week and the longer Lingy fails to address our lack of goals the more we will continue to rely on Super Rene Howe.
As i was saying, the men from Roots Hall ( sounds like a grandiose country palace but for trees! ) have had some good results this season but are a little inconsistent and have chucked in a few stinkers. They have only won one of their last six league games including a shock 2-1 defeat to Aldersh*t but last time out they earned a solid 0-0 draw at home to Port Vale and with over 20 attempts at goal and Vale keeper winning man of the match they considered themselves extremely unfortunate not to have won the game.
Paul Sturrock has made a few additions to his squad in the form of Orient midfielder Marc Laird and ex-Hereford midfielder Tamira Mkandawire who has signed from Millwall. Both are until January. Perhaps it is time our very own Saint Martin should be looking to bolster our squad with a loanee or two himself, the rumours that i have heard about him looking at defensive options and not attacking ones make me feel sick to be honest. Sicker than when i used to get downing 12 pints of Kronenbourg on a regular night out in Cleethorpes ( it was slightly unfair actually because my mates used to get bottles of Budweiser or something similar but i felt ripped off at paying £3.50 for a bottle of piss that would take me approximately 58 seconds to drink so being the tight yorkshireman i am i would get pints of cheap lager. The thing was, my mates used to drink up in 5 minutes and wanted to shift onto somewhere else and i'd still be left there with half a pint of lager still to drink! It got so ridiculous that i even used to go round town with a Daily Mirror in my back pocket so i could whip it out and read it for 10 minutes while my mates p*ssed off to the next venue! Ha i looked really cool supping a pint whilst reading the Mirror in a banging pub full of half naked dancing ladies, i was too good for them all anyway. Most of them looked like Spongebobs underwater pals. Anyway, the upshot of this rapid consumption in liquid volume combined with extreme physical activity like walking between pubs AND a monstrosity of a burger that loosely passed as edible food meant that i would feel sick, REALLY sick, sicker than when Stevenage took the lead in the play off final and sicker than when Jamal Easter would make the Torquay starting line up. ) Make no mistake, if Martin ignores our striking crisis and plumps for another defender my diapraghm will have no choice but to expel waves of pungent vomit into the air.
What made it worse on a night out in Cleggy is when a lass asked you to go back to her place, Pleasure Island it certainly WAS NOT! If you escaped with your faculties in tact, free from std's and a severe flea infestation then you were one of the lucky ones. If they told you they were members of the Grimsby Town Codheads then you've had it. Not only will you end up with fish fingers but you were in this birds eye and she'd never let go. On one night of passion i left in the morning with headlice, a couple of stray kittens that had found their way into my boxers AND a rat that had made it's bed in my trouser pocket! I wanted to keep going back so i could eventually open a pet shop but she was so ugly that it turned out she was a man!! AND he worked as a filleter at Youngs in Immingham docks!!
Forgotten where i was now, Cleethorpes, Southend! That's it, same side of the coast i suppose. Yes, Southend have many quality players including 9 goal top scorer and on loan Watford Congolese hitman Britt Assombalonga which sounds like an extended version of the Black Lace song. Ex- Miller and Blade Ryan Cresswell has 3 goals whilst former West Ham recruit Freddie Eastwood has managed to find the back of the net on 3 occasions. Eastwood netted 49 times in 111 appearances for the Shrimpers in his first spell. West Ham United to Grays Athletic for our Freddie, probably the biggest fall from grace since Steps. Top of the pop charts one year, the next resorting to appearing on daytime tv looking like dissolved slugs but with make up on. EVEN the men slugs had make up on too. World's gone f*cking insane.
They also have former Cherry and Donny player John Spicer, ex- Millwall legend Neil Harris, the ever reliable Kevan Hurst ( his mum didn't know what the letter 'i' was poor lad ) and the wonderfully named Seedy Njie, the pimp of Roots Hall no doubt. In addition they also have two former Gulls in their ranks, Elliot Benyon we've got the boy from up the road Benyon, Benyon! who i believe isn't injured but he regularly fails to even make the bench. I'd have him back like a shot but with no service he's be just like Jarvis. They also have Gavin Tomlin who helped us in part to reach the play off final two years ago and who has some nice tricks and touches. Good player. They also have Grenada international Anthony Straker who missed the Vale game due to international duty and irish striker Barry Corr. His sisters can't sing a f*cking note!
So you see that we are in for a tough old afternoon and i reckon Sturrock will go for a 4-4-2 and try and use some width to get service for Assombalonga and whoever else is the choice to partner him upfront. Sturrock is certainly cocksure of his side's away form and performances according to their official website and he seems to prefer playing away than at home. I happen to think that this game will be our first real hammering of the season both in terms of play and goals. It pains me to say it but think it will be 3-0 to the visitors with Mister Maker creating more than us. I'd settle for a collage of a farmyard made out of stickyback plastic and buttons if it meant we could sneak a draw but that's not going to happen.
Southend last time out v Port Vale:
1. Paul Smith (gk)
2. Sean Clohessy
3. Ryan Cresswell
4. Mark Phillips ( was tempted to say CAPTAIN Mark Phillips then! But he isn't a royal nor is he Shrimpers captain sadly)
5. Chris Barker ( CAPTAIN!!) But not a member of the royal family.
6. Tamika Mkindawire ( on loan from Millwall )
7. Michael Timlin
8. Kevan Hurst
9. Marc Laird
10. Britt Assombalonga
11. Gavin Tomlin
SUBS: Daniel Bentley (gk) UNUSED, Luke Prosser, Ryan Leonard UNUSED, John Spicer UNUSED, Alex Woodyard UNUSED, Freddie Eastwood ( on for Assombalonga on 86 mins ), Barry Corr ( on for Hurst on 70 mins )
Obviously i can't do an Andy's TOWN OF THE DAY because it's another home game and we all know that Torquay is such a remote backwater that it isn't even officially part of the UK. Many of it's inhabitants want to leave the town with the rest of the country wanting to go the other way so who is right? The answer is - I AM. So Torquay-ians, actually what is the name for people from Torquay ( apart from the obvious!)? People from Bradford are called Bradfordians, or Mohammed so what are people from Torquay called? Torquay-ians sounds good to me.
You guys are in for an absolute treat for the York matchday thread as it is a place i have spent many many years of my life and i'm looking forward to passing on as much info as i can to you lot. Prior warning, it WILL be long so you are more than welcome to scroll down to the end if you just want the stats but you'd be missing out guys and gals and Matt!
The referee for the Southend game is Mr Andy Davies, don't forget the bi-focals sonny! His amazingly sexual assistants are Mr ( or is it Mrs?) Andrew Bennett and Mr Derek Eaton and the fourth official whom i presume is male is Mr Adam Hopkins. Either way, i couldn't give a flying fart if all the officials were transexuals or sexual deviants, so long as they give us a couple of pens and most of the decisions they are welcome in my house any time. When i'm out obviously!
