FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 18 Nov 2017, 10:49

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for aftershave, filmed at Anfield.

Only six of them took part though.

Because Yul never wore cologne.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 21 Nov 2017, 18:05

I just buried an ancient woolly pachyderm.....................

it was a mammoth undertaking.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 13 Jan 2018, 12:47

Kids in schools around St James Park have had letters home, it states to the parents that because it is very cold at the moment they are advising parents picking children up from the gate to wear two pairs of pyjamas.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 13 Jan 2018, 18:35

Derek Adams the Gargs manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later the Gargs are 2-0 down to Exeter with only 20 minutes left The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for The Gargs . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to Plymouth in the first place! =D

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 18 Jan 2018, 16:48

Mrs Beard and I went to see the Red Arrows yesterday. There were gasps of oooh and ahhh as the crowd watched in amazement.

There was near miss after near miss and this had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour worth of entertainment, but in the end she finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show. :-o

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 12 Feb 2018, 18:18

I don't know whether you'd heard or not, but the World Origami Federation were in financial difficulties.

Well unfortunately they’ve folded.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 18 Mar 2018, 16:45

Many years ago a mate of mine went to the barbers. "What style would you like?" asks the barber. "I'll have a Tony Curtis" says my mate.
After about twenty minutes snipping and shaving away he dusted my mate off and picked up the mirror to show the finished job. He'd shaved every last hair off, my mate was as bald as a coot!
"F**k me mate, what have you done? Do you know who Tony Curtis is?"
"Yea, course I do" replied the barber, "I've seen The King and I six times!"

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 03 Apr 2018, 18:56

A mate of mine was in the pub last night, he went for a slash and when he came back there was a Chinese bloke leaning on the bar where he'd been stood a few moments previous.
"Now then" says my mate, "do you know any martial arts, you know, Kung Fu, Karate, Ju Jitsu or owt like that?"
"Why you awsk? you wacist, is it becos I Chinese?" replies the Oriental gentleman angrily.
"No" says my mate, "Its because you're drinking my pint................"

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 28 Apr 2018, 17:55

Two Japanese blokes bump into each other on holiday in Australia, and as they are the only Japanese in the hotel bar they strike up a conversation.
First Jap says he his from Wakayama, and the other one says "what a coincidence, so am I, I live close to the north of the river"
"Wow" says the first gentleman, "so do I. So what do you do?"
"I work at the sewage treatment plant" says Jap number 2
"So do I, this is incredible" says number 1, "I cant believe we've never met".
"Well" says number 2, "I work 12 hour nights".
"Ahh" says number 1, "I work 12 hour days, that's why we have never met"
"Yes" says Jap number 2, "we are like Two Nips that pass in the shite!"

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 17 Jun 2018, 13:49

A mate of mine was looking for recommendations for a GDPR consultant. "Do you know anyone suitable?" he asked me.

"Oh yes I replied, I know a really good one. "But I can't tell you his name."

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 08 Dec 2018, 20:20

Who are the biggest sellers of ice cream in the middle east?

Walls of Jericho =D

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 09 Dec 2018, 17:03

I picked a hitch hiker up late last night. We'd no sooner set off when he said "Thanks, but I'm surprised you picked me up, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
"Well" I replied, "The chances of two serial killers being in the same car must be astronomical........" :-o

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 23 Jun 2019, 18:20

Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said "Have you seen my cocaine"?

........... I said "not since he starred in Zulu"!

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 23 Jun 2019, 18:21

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 23 Jun 2019, 18:21

Janet Street Porter walks into the bar. She says to the barman "Excuse me, could I have a large aperitif".

"I seriously doubt it, love" he replies.

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