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It's ok Pete, i told them you were a sex offender.
"But i'm not a sex offender"
It's ok, they'll never call the police, i actually booked the room under the name of the real IRA

I'll just go and tell them it's me.......

Went to B&Q earlier for some tungsten tip screws, never gonna use them, never gonna use them.

Off to make a sandwich, a cheese sandwich, and cooked meat, and a hot egg and a crescent of crisps, and a side clump of cress... wanting it to be ready any time in the next 15 minutes.

Just gave a paper cut to a man from Nestle.

Those people who say 'life begins at 40', they're notable by their absence!

Danko night stick

New idea for tv show: based on Michael Palin's 'Pole to Pole,' whereby i circumnavigate the globe, only driving through countries where they drive on the left. I do it in a lovely old Bulldoze Morris, 'Calling it around the world with Alan Partridge in a bulldoze, on the left' On second thoughts Andy that is possibly the WORST idea i have ever had.

They're so ruddy bloody brave.

I'm just destroying my cereals.

Oooooooooooooooooooooo OCTOPUSSY!

COOK and PASS

10 minutes Lynn..............................

(cue the theme music to the saint)

I would say she had a big heart, but that would be BULLS**T!!

Savoury 99

chalk penis

Cacky Raphael.