Thanks Matt. I appreciate your reply. I also was a fervent supporter of TUFC and given football is my 'narrow interest' as the autism experts prefer to call our obsessions, believe me it hurt like buggery when i was put in a position when i had to decide whether to carry on supporting or cut ties. To most it may seem like much ado about nothing but when you have an intense desire to see your football club being run appropriately (not necessarily successfully) and with due consideration for fans and this intensity cannot be satisfied then the easiest thing i could do to be able to put myself back in control of my situation was to stop my support.
I cannot control who runs the football club and how they operate, their motives, how they treat supporters and if truth be truth i desperately want that control or at least to be able to have partial control as it's easier for me to deal with and satisfies my inherent need for people to be accountable for their actions. This is why i want the phoenix club. I cannot ever envisage a time in the future where TUFC will be taken over by somebody who genuinely wants to do right by the club and fans as well as obviously trying to get something back for themselves which is fair enough therefore when you think as rigidly as this, as i do then the club then ceases to exist in my mind. If i believe it cannot ever be as it was ever again then it might as well not exist at all is my logic although i appreciate the logic is probably lost on most people. I have convinced myself that no matter which players come in, which managers come in and which owners come in that the end result will be the same. Failure and being ignored and mugged off further by another set of owners who don't give two shits about the football club, it's heritage or it's fans.
With this in mind i would ask fans if they can appreciate where i'm coming from regarding my perspective no matter how loony it sounds. If they can then furthermore can they get their head around this also? I am and always have been a fan who goes to games regardless. If we lined up with 11 walruses each week and were smashed 6, 7, 8, 10 nil and ended up getting relegated 12 times then i'd be p*ssed off but already making my plans for the next game because i'm obsessed. Perhaps i am guilty of not being able to understand people because in my eyes if you then stop going because of the factors i've listed and then plan to return at some point in the future then how is it possible to continue to support the football club with any integrity?
I've always said that if you want to suddenly stop going then that's absolutely fine. Whether the footy is crap, you're getting fed up with it all or the club and owners are mugging you off it matters not. If you feel strongly about any of these things then fine. The key point i want to make is that you absolutely cannot return as a fan at any point in the future because the reason being you've given up.
I despise Mr Osborne and even before that the board under all the others that 'enjoyed' the generosity of Thea i despised so i gave up. I didn't want to be laughed at and treated with contempt as a Torquay fan by these men so i gave up. By my logic that's it. I agree that once you give up you've given up and are not a fan anymore which most on here levelled at me and i agree BUT i don't choose to come back. My integrity dictates that i cannot come back even if i desperately wanted to because it wouldn't be morally acceptable for me and that's where i have the inner conflict.
I think i'm doing the honourable act in respecting the club and fans by not being fickle and am constantly berated by other fans for it which by my logic upsets me as i cannot understand this. I've made a decision which has to be stuck to even if we get taken over by Russian billionaires, sign Messi and reach the Premier League summit i cannot go back because that would contravene my self imposed morality regarding such a situation. Does anyone not think i'm desperate to come back? It is the fans who stop going and then decide to return when it's all looking a bit more rosier who should be getting the grief not me because for them it's purely about seeing the team win and play well. For me it is about and has only ever been about how i am treated as a supporter, as a human being, as a vital cog in the wheel of the TUFC wheel of survival.
I have been unable to change or influence the way in which successive owners run the football club in respect of them ignoring the fans and have become hopeless that this trend of ignorance cannot now be rectified. That leaves me frustrated, angry and bitter which are not beneficial emotions and in somebody with autism they are too intense to filter therefore i have no option but to withdraw and make a decision to be able to cope with these feelings. On top of that there are frequent comments from forum users who cannot understand this and who choose to make continually unhelpful and ignorant remarks about my 'support' when the truth is they have absolutely no idea.
I don't fuss anymore about what others think of me but it's important for me to be able to convey how my differences in thinking affect my decision making ability and on the face of it, stopping supporting a team that one has actively and vocally supported across the country for the last 10 years comes across as really extreme. I accept that but if that's the way in which my thought processes work and combined with the intensity of the belief that this is the morally correct thing to do then although i admit it's extreme and extraordinary, it's what i have chosen as the right thing to do to best manage a situation needlessly brought about by the greedy and selfish men who have been running this football club for the last 6 or 7 years (except blokes like Breedy et al who stepped in and kept the club ticking over when it was needed and who i know desperately love the football club with a passion - as i did).
One last thing. Passion is not something i can relate to and which is another aspect to what influenced my decision. I have autism and most things i undertake are through routine and a strong sense of duty. Passion doesn't really exist. Unless i was married to Liz Hurley. For most people, supporting a football club is primarily about seeing their team win, being entertained and experiencing the rare events, the intense highs such as the win at the green slime back in the league, the wembley play off win, the game that Bodin had where he was actually pretty good.
(Crewe away - i was there
).
For me, supporting a football club is about routine. The anticipation of a matchday, the pre-planned schedule, the processing of an unbelievable amount of sensory information such as sights, sounds, smells. All three overloaded to some degree when you've stood next to Supernickywroe on the terraces i can tell you!
I plan the matchday. I go and execute the plan. I support the team as best i can and then i come home, process it all and begin planning for the next game. I have to admit to not generally feeling that intense excitement when we scored or when we won. My fulfilment was just by being there and by that knowing that i had contributed to any success or even helped lift the players when they were sh*te or just unlucky. It's vitally important for me to feel proud, part of something and valued more so than any footballing success. I don't really have the same passion or feel it in the same way as you lot so it feels kind of contradictory that i'm about to say this considering i stopped supporting the club but those men who ran this club into the gutter have destroyed and taken away the last things any autistic individual DOES feel passionate about. Routine and loyalty.
I had gradually got into a routine which i was happy with and gradually began making some really great and interesting acquaintances at matches and over time i thought that was me sorted. Torquay fan, getting involved and i was reasonably comfortable with everything which again, is important for maintaining a high level of functioning for someone such as myself.
I know nobody will probably not even know how to be able to make sense of the above, just pass it off as the usual crap from the usual suspect i expect would be many people's thoughts along with the tedious but simplistically effective tl:dr, but if just one person tries and can maybe see some sense of logic in that then i've achieved something.
Fair play Matt anyway and line drawn.
