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This made me titter and titter some more.... will defo be calling my next downhill L to R putt a 'Salman Diego'


Subject: Go golf go...

These golf book reports to offer the reader valuable playing tips and insider information gained through many years of golfing experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole

A Rodney King - overclubbed

An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

An Elephant's arse - high and shitty

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A Sister-in-law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be

With Exeteer Citys budget massively reduced it means a tough time for the Greeks this season. Just to prove the point here are the three Devon clubs itinery on returning to training:

Torquay : Everyone to report to Plainmoor to be checked over etc.
Plymouth : Everyone to report to Home Park to be checked over etc.
Exeter : Everyone to report to Exeter Cathedral for prayers
o:)

favourite youtube clip of the day;

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Higgs boson walks into church.Priest says, 'Sorry but we don't allow particles in here' Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

Man walks into a chippy and asks for fish and chips twice

Chippy says, its alright I heard you the first time.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "we don't serve your type in here".

Ron and Billy have image issues. Ron has a club foot and Billy has a humped back. But they try to make the most of life and every Tuesday they go to the local disco. But they are never successful with the ladies and always end up walking home together. This in itself shows the depth of friendship shared, given Rons foot. They always call for a bag of chips and always walk past but never through the haunted graveyard. Never ever through the haunted graveyard. It's said the Devil comes out and gets you.

One night Billy has had enough.

"Fook it" he says " I'm going through the graveyard

"Don't be stupid" says Ron "the Devil is in there and he'll have you"

"So fookin what?" says Billy "what can he do..........do you know how many times i've been called Quasi tonight. And how Carol wi the big uns tells me not to get hump on cos she won't dance wi me. And that cvnt of a DJ puts Tubular Bells on as his last record just to get a laugh?. I'm telling you, nothing could be worse than this. I'm goin through the graveyard. Devil or no Devil."

And Billy walks through the graveyard gates away from Ron, who is speechless.

Billy walks through the graveyard muttering to himself until he reaches the very centre.

Then FLASH! The Devil appears.

Both look each other over and Billy eventually breaks the silence.

"Who are you?" he says.

"I'm the Devil" says the Devil " who are you?".

"I'm Billy"says Billy

"Oh right" says the Devil, continuing to look him over.

"What's that on your back?" says the Devil.

Billy is bemused but cranes his neck round and says " I have not got anything on my back. It's my hump.".

"Right" says the Devil "I'm having that!" and promptly takes Billys hump.

A week later and it's disco time again. Ron has not heard from Billy and has made his way down hoping to meet his friend. He does not see him in the pub and sits at a table consoling himself with drink. The disco is the same, the people are the same and the music is the same. Except carol with the big uns is dancing with someone new. Not just dancing either. She is pressing her big uns against him and her tongue is more often than not down the mans throat.

"Billy would be major jealous now" thought Ron.

But wait. The man has turned to Ron and is walking across smiling. He looks familiar.

"Fook me" says Ron as he at last recognises him. Its you Billy.......................without a hump!!!!!

After a lot of smiles and excitement Billy eventually tells Ron what happened.

"And he took your hump" says Ron " he really took your hump?"

"Sure did" says Billy.

Ron looks at Billy for a long time and says "If I went down the haunted graveyard tonight do you think the Devil would take my clubfoot?".

"Sure to" says Billy with his hand down Carol with the big uns top", get down there, get him seen and get back next week and the world is your oyster".

Ron does not even finish his pint. He is gone, heading for the haunted graveyard and a sure a better future.

He enters through the gate and walks to the middle.

Sure enough. FLASH! There is a huge flash of light and the Devil appears.

Both look each other over.

Ron breaks the silence.

"Who are you?" says Ron.

"I'm the Devil" says the Devil, continuing to look Ron over "what's that on your back".

"On my back?" says Ron craning his neck round "why.............there's nothing on my back".

"Here then" says the Devil "have a hump".

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad.














Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car ...... :-o

Today was my last day as a paint mixer.


Its been emulsional.

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics.

But then, if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.

I got on the bus today and ended up sitting next to a bloke who looked just like me.

I said, "You look just like me, what's your name?". "My name is Luke", he said. "So's mine!", I replied.

I was beside myself.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

And this one's for Ferrarilover:
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the ticket office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Shot my first duck this week. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section..

A black man with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar & orders a pint.

"Is that yours?" asks the barman.

"Yes, cute isn't he" says the black man.

"I was referring to the wallet" says the barman.
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