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Just been to see the doctor, he said I was paranoid!


Well he didn't actually say it but that's what the **** was thinking.....................

Brother came home yesterday to find all his doors torn off.

He said, " What sort off sicko does that to an Advent calender ?"

Just bought a Christmas Tree.The assistant asked " Will you be putting this up yourself ?"


I replied " No you sicko, it's going up in the living room."

I am effin knackered.

Just come in from the garden after painting all the rocks white, just in case the lowlife drug dealing hoodie neighbour fancies a snowball fight.

Walked out the house this morning and the lowlife drug dealing hoodie neighbour hit me with a block of cheese.

I reared on him and said " That wasn't very mature."

EmetEdadsBeard wrote:Just been to see the doctor, he said I was paranoid!


Well he didn't actually say it but that's what the t**t was thinking.....................

Bloke goes to see his shrink and says “ I m hearing voices from the groin area.”

Shrink says “ ignore it … they re talking b*llocks.”

I just bought a Christmas present for my mate, I think he'll really like it because he's been quite lonely recently.


its a joseph fritzl "grow your own sex doll".

They should of ended X-factor 10 minutes early and watched the disabled guy from Glee crawl across the stage.

BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity.

She should also think about dropping her knickers, for clarity.

Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

A vampire bat arrives back in the cave, its face dripping in blood. All the other bats get excited and ask where he got it.

“Follow me,” says the bat. Off they fly out of the cave, over the hills, across the river and into the forest.

“See that tree over there,” says the bat. “Yes,” they all reply.

“Well I f*cking didn t,” said the bat.

Order now for Christmas, the compilation cover versions you thought you would never hear :

Susan Boyle – Don t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me

Stevie Wonder – I Can See Clearly Now

Nick Griffin – Black Or White

Katie Price – Like A Virgin

Rihanna – Hit Me Baby One More Time

Michael Jackson – I m Forever Blowing Bubbles

Josef Fritzel – Love Shack

Stephen Hawking – I m Still Standing

A mate just called me in tears. His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish !

Poor b*stard …

… no woman no Sky …

Two Doctors talking in a pub and one says “I ve been carrying a guilty secret all my working life. I ve been having sex with my patients.”

Other Doctor says “You re not the first General Practitioner that s done it and you won t be the last. We re all Human, it happens.”

First Doctor says “I m not a GP, I m a Vet.”

When travelling in extreme weather conditions the Government have advised everyone to take with them the following :

Hot water bottle

Flask of hot drink/soup

High energy food bars

Shovel

Thermal blanket

Hazard light

I looked a right dick carrying that lot on the bus this morning.