FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

[Gullscorer]

http://www.joke-db.com/

Example:

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital...

[Gullscorer]

A funeral service was held for a woman who had passed away. As the pallbearers carried the coffin out, they accidentally bumped into a wall, and heard a faint moan. They opened the coffin and found that the woman was still alive.

She lived for a few more years and then died. Another funeral service was held for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carried out the coffin. As they passed by, the woman's husband cried out: 'Watch out for the wall..!'

[usagullmichigan]

A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk...."

[EmetEdadsBeard]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next job, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me? Who do you think are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

[AustrianAndyGull]

A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk...."

[usagullmichigan]

My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a Down
Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

[Gullscorer]

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[stevegull]

Whoever made this had some time on their hands...

[youtube]dBM7i84BThE[/youtube]

[EmetEdadsBeard]

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Gullscorer]

Found this story on the Over The Gate forum; an old one but still funny:

A couple was invited to a fancy dress costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She felt his wandering hands and giving him more line to reel him in by let him go as far as he wished... naturally (since he was her husband). Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what possible explanation he would give for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said very convincingly: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

" No it was all a bit sleazy so I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the pub and played darts all evening. And you're not going to believe this, but the guy I loaned my costume to pulled a right slapper.."

[Gullscorer]

And another:

Amy, a dumb blonde city girl, knows nothing about farming, but marries Bill, a cattle farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, Bill says to Amy, 'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the wall just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?' Bill then leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one.... right here.'

Impressed by what he originally thought was just another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me, how d'you know this is the cow to be inseminated?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, 'I suppose it's to hang your pants on.'

[usagullmichigan]

I have some Tesco burgers that have been in the fridge for a few days, I had better go check to see if they are ok

AND THEY'RE OFF!

[Gullscorer]

I have some Tesco burgers that have been in the fridge for a few days, I had better go check to see if they are ok

AND THEY'RE OFF!

Don't shout. It'll make you horse...

Anyway, you could trot back to Tesco and complain. How long exactly have you been saddled with these burgers?

[usagullmichigan]

Furlong time

[Gullscorer]

Furlong time

That straight from the horse's mouth..!! :~D