First of all I found a 2 page Q&A with TUFC media manager Tim Herbert (don't know if he is still at the club) in the Fleetwood programme this season.
Q: It's been a decent start to the season for Torquay. No doubt you are looking to push on after a relegation battle last season?
(First of all if you can count 1 win in 5 and knocked out of 2 cup competitions without scoring a 'decent' start then great. We also got hammered in this game 4-1. Decent start all round I reckon.
)A: "We have enjoyed a solid start to the season.." (sorry mate but I enjoyed 20 minutes at Northampton and that's it and whilst we're at it, is solid another word to describe dull, boring and worrying?). He then goes on to say, "we're chuffed with the way things have begun...". (Accepting mediocrity already
).Q: So how has the manager Alan Knill managed to improve the side?
A: "I just feel that we have a bit more resilience in our team (
) and that is highlighted by the fact that we have already come from behind to secure points on 3 occasions this year...."(Yes, the very fact that we always went a goal down was very reassuring as was the fact that it took us 10 games in all comps to actually take the lead in a game when we defeated Cheltenham 4-2 at Plainmoor! So our resilience was displayed through the medium of inept defending and inept attacking. SUPERB!!
)"Alan has added exciting young talent and experienced pro's to a decent crop we already had in place...."
(Yes, he added Pearce who never played, Chappell who he helped destroy the career of in the space of 5 months, Cameron who either never played or played 20 seconds at the end. Then he added the experienced pro's like Harding who was a revelation, Dale Tonge who as we all know has used his experience to great use this season, Karl Hawley who I thought was actually Nicolas Anelka!. On top of this he had the luxury of mixing all these new additions with such established quality already here like Nico, Mansell, Billy Bodin, Tom Cruise, Nathan Craig and others. All in all we had such a dynamic, productive and exciting squad ready to await the orders of mastermind Alan Knill. I was nearly soiling myself and foaming at the mouth at the same time in anticipation of how the season would pan out!!
)Q: Which players in the Torquay team should we be looking out for in the game at Highbury?
A: "I would hate to point out any individuals........."
(It's not the secret service for Christ's sake!! Are Fleetwood suddenly going to send around a sniper assassin to discreetly position himself on top of the refreshments cabin and take pot shots at any named player?! They have asked you a question so bloody answer it man! Why volunteer for the Q&A when you have no opinions?!!!)
Q: Where do you see the Gulls finishing this season?
A: "Impossible question to answer but we are quietly confident....."
(Errr, no. What would you end up with if a seahorse and a porcupine mated and had babies? THAT is an impossible question to answer my friend. May I suggest you do what has been asked of you and answer the God damn question!! You can either say that it might take a while to gel and mid table is the most likely outcome or you can go out on a whim and say that you think the side will hit it off and hit the dizzy heights of the play offs. Just say anything man!! Nobody will judge you. It's called having an opinion which as we all know makes for interesting Q&A's. Unbelievable.)
Q: Would you be happy with a point from the game?
A: "Like any team, we would be happy with 3 points......." (not an answer)
"....it is always important not to lose but the players have travelled all this way with victory in their minds"
(That's fascinating but now can you answer the frigging question please?!! WOULD YOU BE HAPPY WITH A POINT FROM THE GAME?!!! For example you could say that Fleetwood have assembled a tough and promising squad and they are favourites for promotion so as we are away then yes, I think a point would be a good return although we hope to get the win obviously. See Tim, not that hard having an opinion is it?)
Q: Which Fleetwood Town players do you think Torquay will fear?
A: "We know Fleetwood will be a tough outfit but so are we, so the focus will be on how Torquay can make an impression at Highbury"
(Great Tim thanks. So which FT players do you think Torquay will fear then? Do you not know any and that is why you are frightened of answering the question? You would be embarrassed - is that it? We understand.)
Q: Fleetwood have made a good start this season, where do you tip them to finish?
A: "I'm sure they will be up there contending this season but the league is so unpredictable. I would never bet on any team"
(Hang on there mate! Nobody is asking you to nip down Laddies and stick a pony on the Cod Army to win the title. Question after question I've asked and you've failed to answer and now you've produced an answer from thin air to a question not even asked!! Magic stuff! As you once again don't have an opinion then i'll give you a mock answer. You could have said that Fleetwood will probably finish in the top 3 given their expenditure and current squad but if not definitely play offs. Hope that helps)
Q: Do you know much about Fleetwood as an area?
A: "In all honesty, not really but we are both blessed with living by the seaside"
(One of my all time pet hates this, complete ignorance about places in our own country. Everyone should at least know that Fleetwood is north of Blackpool, is famous for a once great fishing industry and is the place where Fishermens Friends are manufactured. At least he knew it was by the sea although I bet he didn't know which sea.)
Q: Your score prediction for the game?
A: "It would not be completely right for me to answer this question.." (oh here we go)
".....i'll go 4-3 for the Gulls"!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!
At this point I just gave up and maybe understood why our PR and media releases are so dull and pointless. I'm sure Tim Herbert is a very nice man and extremely capable at his job but please don't let him volunteer for anymore Q&A's. It's like listening to a politician! God help him if he appears on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Tarrant would be there sucking in his teeth in that way and asking, "Who won the World Cup in 1994? Was it a) Brazil b)Italy c) Germany or d) Austria?
Then the reply, "Well they are all superb sides so.................well not Austria, they are a real pile of shit an couldn't win an egg and spoon race with the help of superglue so I can definately rule them out. As for the others I wouldn't like to comment and i'll just say that they are all capable of having won it Chris".
Chris responds, "Ok so who won it then? You have your lifelines. Which friend would you phone?"
"Ooh do you know I think it would be unfair on the ones I didn't phone so I'm not going to use that lifeline" said Tim.
"Ok then, you can use your 50/50" said Chris.
"Well if I do that then it would be unfair on the ones that get eliminated because as I've said, they are all superb teams in their own right. Apart from Austria obviously who even couldn't win on those free scratchcards you get in the daily newspapers."
"Do you want to ask the audience then Tim" urged Chris.
"I'm sure these people would know the answer to this one but it would be inappropriate of me to accept the answer of one set of people over another".
"GIVE HIM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE! TIM HERBERT GOES AWAY WITH A CHEQUE FOR NOTHING AS HE FAILED TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS!" shouted Chris.
I then read some similar Q&A's in other programmes, a few by Breedy who doesn't piss about and another by a 'Matt Parkman' which having read it and the way it was structured seemed to me as though it could have been by Ferrariman. Is Parkman your surname Matt? Well if it is or isn't, the article was extremely knowledgable and a very interesting read.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I saw something in the Crewe programme a few years back when we blitzed them 3-0. It was under the heading ONES TO WATCH and listed SAUL HALPIN, DANNY STEVENS, BILLY BODIN and TAIWO ATIENO!! I nearly wet myself!! How the hell did we actually manage to reach the play offs that season God only knows!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I saw a feature about Dale Tonge in the Rotherham programme (last season) when he played for them. He had been out injured with his Achilles and had been subjected to some unusual treatment- shockwave treatment. It certainly sent shockwaves amongst Gulls when he signed for us.
Apparently it is mechanical sound waves that go in and hammers the tendon and helps to break up established scar tissue. Well he couldn't break up attacks or break up into the oppositions box so I guess it's the next best thing.
Millers club physio expressed his delight that Tonge was able to play 60 minutes for the reserves at Gateshead. If he was to play at Gateshead again next season then it would be great for the lad, so long as he is wearing home colours this time. He also hoped that Dale was going to become one of the treatments success stories.
AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL!...........................
If you notice anything that sticks in your mind whilst reading programmes then please do stick it here.
