Torquay United Fans Forum

An xenophobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar.

The barman says "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"

I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him.

He was shouting at me, saying, "You ****ing tosser, watch where you're going you two-hat etc etc"
I was going to say something back to him ........ but decided to be the bigger man.

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked backside out of the window.

.....Chuffin' toot and car moon!.....

I tried a new sex position. It's called parcel force.
You have to stay in all day and no-one comes :-o

My lady friend went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor says, " you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
My lady friend shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.
After a quick look, he said, "Well, you're right!
There's been a cockatoo in there.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” Mrs Beard screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A mate of mine walked into a bar and sat next to a really attractive woman,
He gave her a quick glance then causally looked at his watch for a moment.
The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replied, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it
My mate explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?" the lady continues
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knicker!
My mate smiled, tapped his watch and said, "Bugger thing's an hour fast."

My wife told me that sex is loads better on holiday... wasn't the best postcard I've received........

Thanks Dave, and Merse, the problem with so many people is they believe everything that the second enquiry, the Justice campaign and the sychopnantic media say about Liverpool fans.
Yellowforever is one of these people. If the SECOND (brought about because they didn't get the verdict they wanted from the first one!) had said all Liverpool fans are tee total God fearing church goers they would agree and say it must be right.
Yellowforever, when you have first hand dealings with those 'Jolly Scousers', particularly if your club has just beaten them at Anfield then you might just look at them in a different light. Why not try getting a ticket to a Liverpool away match next season and sit (oh wait a minute, despite being the loudest voices shouting against the return to standing at games, they are the worst culprits for doing just that!) among'st them. They aren't the sweetness and light you seem to believe they are.

I repeat, one of the biggest cover ups concerning the Hillsborough disaster was the behaviour of a considerable number of Liverpool fans that day, but as criticising them isn't allowed, I really hope during the trial of the six concerned video footage and testimony as to this behaviour is allowed to be used as evidence in court.
The cynic in me thinks it will not though.

Have you read this, from the original 'Hillsborough' thread? http://torquayfans.com/viewtopic.php?f= ... 32#p171132 ?

Try reading the rest of it as well. Then have a think about fan behavior in general at big matches

"Luke, your partners uncle was almost certainly an innocent victim of a set of circumstances that no one could have predicted. There were many factors involved, but what really hacks many, many people off is the absolute total denial that Liverpool fans were in any way to blame for any of the events of that day. Its the opinion of many, many people I know that the justice the families seek begins with the letter 'c'.

Who turned up in their 1000s just before kick off? ( I'll give you a theory as to why that happened shortly).

Who turned up without tickets with a view to forcing their way in (a well known ploy of Liverpool fans way before the Hillsborough disaster and incredibly still going on to this day)?

Who has constantly misinterpreted the 'drunken Liverpool fans were to blame' accusation as it was the 96 who died that were drunk NOT the latecomers who forced a decision on SYP to fatally open an exit gate causing a rush of people into the ground?

And why were the stewards and a police sergeant on duty that day accused of neglect of duty having left their posts in the West Stand only to state in the latest enquiry that they had feared for their own safety due to the threats and general behaviour of the Liverpool fans? Indeed the police sergeant stated they were the worst fans he had ever policed! They were on the stand for one day YES ONE DAY while the policeman in overall charge, David Duckenfield, after admitting he was at fault that day spent over a WEEK giving evidence?

I have many friends who lived in and around the area at the time, and tales of Liverpool fans staggering around so drunk they could barely stand were common, urinating in gardens and being generally totally abusive and obnoxious.

The theory as to why so many of them turned up late came from a work mate of mine. He's a Leeds fan and went to the semi at Hillsborough in 1987, and when passing the ground at about 12-30 that day was ordered, along with his mates to go straight into the ground at the risk of being arrested and missing the game. despite protests they were shepherded in and not allowed to even go to the burger bar across the road. He thinks that if Liverpool fans suffered the same treatment in 1988 (when they also played in the semi at Hillsborough) then they probably avoided the ground until the last minute and stayed in the local pubs (at least one of which was trashed and ransacked with the landlord and his staff having to lock themselves in the living quarters as the Liverpool fans wrecked the place and robbed it of its entire stock), thus turning up late.
The constant misinterpretation of drink causing the 96 deaths really pisses me and many more off as almost certainly the poor buggers who perished were the ones who got in nice and early, got behind a barrier with a good view and were consequently crushed by the drunken latecomers. Unfortunately that possibility is never mentioned as we all know Liverpool fans are all angels and are 0% to blame for anything (even Heysel, ironically one of the reasons fences were erected in the first place!).

While feeling desperately sorry for the people who lost loved ones, the Justice campaigns total rejection of any blame whatsoever being laid at their own fans door has alienated them from many people.
The Police weren't forcing people into the ground. The stewards weren't forcing people into the ground, neither were Sheffield Wednesday or the FA's Officials.

As for Hillsborough and many other grounds being safer now they're all seats, which clubs fans (admittedly along with others) stand at away fixtures without exception, yet shout the loudest against the return of standing at football?
Have
What is going to happen if the inquest returns a verdict of accidental death or misadventure? Are the Justice campaign going to demand another enquiry until they get the verdict they crave?

There has been other disasters at sporting events, Bradford, Ibrox, Heysel, yet only Hillsborough has dragged on and on through the courts.

The cynic in me wonders why?"

When you think beyond the media crapping themselves because of the myth that ALL Liverpool fans are ALL totally innocent and ALL turned up with tickets, in plenty of time and formed an orderly queue then you may realise that the one of the biggest cover ups is the behaviour of the media's favourites, those jolly Scousers.
Until then the comment 'Good Lord' is worthless.

Absolute b0ll0cks. Without this they've no one to claim compo off. Nothing will bring the dead back so why have we had 28 years of it being rammed down our throats, they just wont let it rest.
Ever noticed that Valley Parade, Ibrox and more notably Heysel are rarely mentioned? No second enquiries, no Justice campaign, no decades of looking for a body to blame.
Wonder what would happen if the Heysel victims families sued Victimpool FC for the behaviour of their fans?

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please.
The barman says "Bells alright"?
Quasi replies "Mind your own f**king business".

So after saying quite catergorically that there wouldn't be an election before 2020, May see's her disgusting party 25 points up and...........calls a General election! And (as I vote) 88% are voting Tory! EIGHTY EIGHT PERCENT FFS!!!!!


How can you tell when an MP (and especially a Tory MP) is lying?


Their f**kin' lips are moving

A mate of mine went away on business. He was in the hotel restaurant alone having a meal when he caught a glimpse of a rather attractive lady, also alone sitting having a drink.
Suddenly she started to cough, and her glass eye popped out, rolled along the table and bounced on the floor. My mate scooped it up, walked over to the lady and conspicuously handed it back to her, and she put it back in its place,
"Thank you" she said, "can I buy you a drink?" "Yes thank you " says my mate "can I join you for dinner?"
"Yes , please do" says the lady.
The evening goes on and they get on like a house on fire, drinks are flowing and eventually the lady asks him to join her in her room, where they spend the rest of the night.
The following morning my mate asks if he can see her again.
"Sorry" she replies " I cant, I'm married with kids".
"Oh, do you do this sort of thing a lot then?" asks my mate.
"No, never, I've never done that before" she replies.
"Oh , OK, but why me?" says my mate.
"Well" The lady replies.......







"You just caught my eye..........."

Do you know what happened to the monk who tied his knob to the bell rope?






He got tolled off.