Torquay United Fans Forum

Little 5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension.
She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts if gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a Pink hard hat and gloves. Even a wage packet of £5.

"Goodness" says Mummy smiling, "are you working there next week?".
Mary replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those w**kers at Travis Perkins deliver the f**kin bricks!!". :Oops:

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.


His family are taking it hard.

Two little old ladies are looking in a shop window, wondering which ornament to buy.

One points and says "That's the one I'd get".

Then a cyclops comes around the corner and punches her in the face.

Moonwalkers. Turned it off after 20 minutes, utter shat. 0/10

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" I replied..........

I'm currently watching The Return Of Captain Invincible (1983)

Slated by critics but very funny if it's watched while having in mind it's the biggest pee take of superhero, cold war, sci-fi and musical films rolled into one.

Some right totty in it as well............. :P

Arrival. Another massively overhyped film. It's just about watchable, but the choice on the plane was limited to say the least.
6/10

I asked Mrs Beard to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub to watch the match.



Shouldn't be a problem as she always said she wanted a night in, shining armour. :}

Went to the doctors today, he told me I have Joe Hart disease.

"No idea how I caught that" came my sarcastic reply............

Two couples were playing cards.
Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor, and when he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?”
Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.”
She said “you can have it, but it will cost you £100.”
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM.
After paying her the £100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?”
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you £100?”
Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me £100.”
“Good,” Dave says.
“Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the £100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.” :-o

What game can you play with a wombat?




Wom.

Mrs Beard parked the car in town, and I immediately got my mobile out to make a call.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"A taxi" I replied "I'm not walking to the kerb from here."

So I says to Mrs Beard, "lets go out to eat tonight."
She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.
So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."
So there we were in the local Italian restaurant, me in jeans and a nice shirt, and her in her wedding dress!

A man is putting his young daughter to bed one night.
After kissing her and saying goodnight, the little girls says, "Daddy, I really wish I had a little sister".
Trying to be funny, the man says, Darling you do have a sister".
The confused little girl asks "I do"?
The man replies, "Sure, but you don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door".

The little girl thinks for a few moments and says...







"Oh, You mean like my other Daddy does"?

A mate of mine (who' s quite horrible towards his partner) turns to his lovely wife and says "Oi, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final." says my mate.

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" responds his wife.

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a bl*w job.... 3 or you take it up the a*se!" says my mate.

His wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Listen, I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" insists my mate.

His wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later my mate comes back, "Well! What have you decided? Fishing, bl*w job, or ar*e?"

His wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a bl*w job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his keks.

His wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all.... shitty!"

"Yes!" says my mate "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
(Now that is funny!!!!!!!)