by AustrianAndyGull » 31 Oct 2014, 13:41
THE THING - A deeply shit your pants movie about Alan Knill.
THE CONJURING - A devilish tale about a demonic presence called Alan Knill who manages to somehow nearly destroy a football club whilst in receipt of monies and then emerges from the depths of hell (well, bottom of league 2) out of a magicians hat and straight into Sixfields. True evil.
THE FAIR STITCHED PROJECT - A short movie based on the premise of The Conjuring where possessed demon Alan Knill battles an army of yellow angels and escapes from a life of sin and purgatory that he himself had created to become the ultimate ...........................AN ASSISTANT COBBLER.
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - This film was banned in Torquay and then the rest of the country for it's shockingly accurate portrayal of life behind the scenes at the family home of Alan Knill when he returned from work each evening. One particularly unexpected scene was where Knill took a departure from his meticulous 'taking work home with him' routine where he would plough hours into ideas to make simple things become infinitely more difficult on a matchday and he went out on a bicycle ride. Resulting in perhaps the most brutal piece of horror cinema ever seen.....................................the squirrel squish scene. OMFG!! I thought watching Torquay during the Knill years was the ultimate horror but like dear old Irish feminist (one for Gullscorer there) songstress used to sing - NOTHING COMPARES TO THAT!!
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - Creepy horror flick about human manipulation. Aliens land on Warbro Road and make their nest inside Plainmoor and then set about cocooning unsuspecting Gulls fans during games who were usually so comatose watching was was being played out in front of them that they become easy prey for the dastardly alien copiers. If that wasn't sinister enough then it later emerges that the premise for the story was based around a true story where some members of the board at a particular football club tried their best into hoodwinking and guilt-tripping fans to continue to going out to work and then handing over lots of money for a desperately poor product and even poorer customer service. The only way they could guarantee bodies through the turnstiles was to either recognise the fans and show some sympathy AND empathy with them in a public display of solidarity OR they could seek out aliens from another galaxy to make copies of those no longer prepared to put up with gross and crass unprofessionalism so that the same number of people will turn up on a matchday.
THE TELFORD EYESORE MASSACRE - Recently released at the box office but flopped badly, just like TUFC on the day. Now has cult B-movie status due to about 14 people in the entire world having watched it. Again, just like on the day.
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - In this horrific flick, real life events take a turn for the worst when Torquay United football club begin their recruitment process and sign Billy Bodin.
HELLRAISER - Not the one you would automatically assume it to be although this one does involve lots of pins...............being stuck in the eyes of tormented Gulls who declared they would rather commit that act then watch Torquay during the Knill period.
THE BIRDS - A gripping fable of gore when Gilbert is joined by other avian footballing mascots including the monstrous Ozzie the Owl, notorious for being able to rotate his head 360 degrees AND emit pellets. The deadly Camilla Canary puts in an appearance as does Monty Magpie and Eddie the Eagle. Not the bald skier but the mascot of Colchester United. Feathers fly and heads do too in this gore-fest of what happens when these beak baring and flap winged death beasts get angry! Sponsored by BIRDS CUSTARD.
DEAD RINGERS - Men purporting to be footballers look like Messi in training but when matchday comes around they play like assorted characters from the Lego movie.
THE DESCENT - A fly on the wall genre of film which follows a selected handful of Torquay United fans around the country in their relegation scrap of 2013 - 2014. The misery, despair and grim reality as the season unfolds is pure horror gold culminating in an arduous 850 mile round trip to Hartlepool when a tepid 1-0 defeat led to manager Chris Hargreaves offering to buy those that travelled a pint. Harrowing. Really and truly harrowing.
Lastly the final death knell of the season on the road and the seminal moment in the film where 20 Gulls fans dressed as nurses, bears, cowboys and assorted fruits are cruelly taunted by a crèche of Mansfield fans who charged onto the field of battle as it came to pass. A truly earth shattering account from fans who were there followed and bewilderment that afterwards there were no offers of free ciders or indeed passionate rallying cries from the board or a long relentless siege campaign of togetherness and one for all / all for one.
Why oh why?
THE THING - A deeply shit your pants movie about Alan Knill.
THE CONJURING - A devilish tale about a demonic presence called Alan Knill who manages to somehow nearly destroy a football club whilst in receipt of monies and then emerges from the depths of hell (well, bottom of league 2) out of a magicians hat and straight into Sixfields. True evil.
THE FAIR STITCHED PROJECT - A short movie based on the premise of The Conjuring where possessed demon Alan Knill battles an army of yellow angels and escapes from a life of sin and purgatory that he himself had created to become the ultimate ...........................AN ASSISTANT COBBLER.
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - This film was banned in Torquay and then the rest of the country for it's shockingly accurate portrayal of life behind the scenes at the family home of Alan Knill when he returned from work each evening. One particularly unexpected scene was where Knill took a departure from his meticulous 'taking work home with him' routine where he would plough hours into ideas to make simple things become infinitely more difficult on a matchday and he went out on a bicycle ride. Resulting in perhaps the most brutal piece of horror cinema ever seen.....................................the squirrel squish scene. OMFG!! I thought watching Torquay during the Knill years was the ultimate horror but like dear old Irish feminist (one for Gullscorer there) songstress used to sing - NOTHING COMPARES TO THAT!!
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS - Creepy horror flick about human manipulation. Aliens land on Warbro Road and make their nest inside Plainmoor and then set about cocooning unsuspecting Gulls fans during games who were usually so comatose watching was was being played out in front of them that they become easy prey for the dastardly alien copiers. If that wasn't sinister enough then it later emerges that the premise for the story was based around a true story where some members of the board at a particular football club tried their best into hoodwinking and guilt-tripping fans to continue to going out to work and then handing over lots of money for a desperately poor product and even poorer customer service. The only way they could guarantee bodies through the turnstiles was to either recognise the fans and show some sympathy AND empathy with them in a public display of solidarity OR they could seek out aliens from another galaxy to make copies of those no longer prepared to put up with gross and crass unprofessionalism so that the same number of people will turn up on a matchday.
THE TELFORD EYESORE MASSACRE - Recently released at the box office but flopped badly, just like TUFC on the day. Now has cult B-movie status due to about 14 people in the entire world having watched it. Again, just like on the day.
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - In this horrific flick, real life events take a turn for the worst when Torquay United football club begin their recruitment process and sign Billy Bodin.
HELLRAISER - Not the one you would automatically assume it to be although this one does involve lots of pins...............being stuck in the eyes of tormented Gulls who declared they would rather commit that act then watch Torquay during the Knill period.
THE BIRDS - A gripping fable of gore when Gilbert is joined by other avian footballing mascots including the monstrous Ozzie the Owl, notorious for being able to rotate his head 360 degrees AND emit pellets. The deadly Camilla Canary puts in an appearance as does Monty Magpie and Eddie the Eagle. Not the bald skier but the mascot of Colchester United. Feathers fly and heads do too in this gore-fest of what happens when these beak baring and flap winged death beasts get angry! Sponsored by BIRDS CUSTARD.
DEAD RINGERS - Men purporting to be footballers look like Messi in training but when matchday comes around they play like assorted characters from the Lego movie.
THE DESCENT - A fly on the wall genre of film which follows a selected handful of Torquay United fans around the country in their relegation scrap of 2013 - 2014. The misery, despair and grim reality as the season unfolds is pure horror gold culminating in an arduous 850 mile round trip to Hartlepool when a tepid 1-0 defeat led to manager Chris Hargreaves offering to buy those that travelled a pint. Harrowing. Really and truly harrowing.
Lastly the final death knell of the season on the road and the seminal moment in the film where 20 Gulls fans dressed as nurses, bears, cowboys and assorted fruits are cruelly taunted by a crèche of Mansfield fans who charged onto the field of battle as it came to pass. A truly earth shattering account from fans who were there followed and bewilderment that afterwards there were no offers of free ciders or indeed passionate rallying cries from the board or a long relentless siege campaign of togetherness and one for all / all for one.
Why oh why?
