Torquay United Fans Forum

tommyg wrote:Gloster - while your rewrite is more colourful, it is littered with grammatical mistakes!

I didn't say it was mean to be perfect. I am not the one trying to be a journalist. But this kid is. Yes i tried to make it colourfull. I will leave it to you to point out grammar. I am coping with brain injury so you cannot expect me to cope with the rigours or remaining as grammatically correct as some of you. But i exhort you to try in my vain. Encourage this lad. Give him some vision. Give him some leadership. because one thing is certain. The edurcashun system won't.
Too many writers as very one dimensional. Lacking in colour. Lacking in interest. reports that don't distinguish them from any other. Plying their trade in papers little known and even less loved. Forgotten and becoming almost an illusion. computers now taking over.
How is he going to get anywhere in a shrinking world unless he lifts himself above the rest. I am no Dylan Thomas. But I would rather read a Dylan inspired report than mere drivel.

Gloster - while your rewrite is more colourful, it is littered with grammatical mistakes!

a quick re write to show you what i was getting at. first a section of your report and after a rewrite in a more artistic style with tense as if in the present.

the ex Arsenal full back played a poor cross into the box for a Wrexham defender to head the ball out of danger. Well so they thought. Young was first to the ball. The gulls skipper takes one touch to flick the ball up and volleys it from 25 yards out, towards goal. The ball strikes the inside of the far post and crosses the line. Wrexham's injured keeper had no chance of saving this. He only had to watch the ball strike his post and pass the line. The Launa Windows Stadium erupted with noise. Young runs over to the popside to celebrate, while his team follows. This could have been one of the nicest goals ever scored here.

Now look at a more adventurous type of report. A la Hall.

The off form Cruise, Plays a poor cross into the box which fails to find a young Gull. Nipping in on cue a Wrexham defender tries to clear with his head. The danger is past. Or is it. Luke Young is there in an instant like a night poacher to deftly steal the ball off an unsuspecting Wrexham foot.. He flicks the ball up as if dancing a pirouette. With deft touch. He brings his right foot into the breach and lets fly from outside the penalty area as if shot from the barrel of a gun, curling right into the top far corner, a shot so devastating, yet awesome. Exquisite as anyone would care to find in any Premier league game. Leaving Wrexham hearts tattered, torn, and dejected. The Goalkeeper stunned as if a convict discovered, digging his way to freedom.
The Luana Windows Stadium erupts with such fervour that Brixham could hear. As though God himself has arrived, to laud a goal of such perfection such has not been seen in the annuls of lower league football for a very very long time.

Northern translation.
Eye lad. were reet grand eet were

Now. Excusing the joke above. written for the benefit of northern souls on here.
Read your report as if you hadn't been there. think about the picture it makes in your mind.
Now look at my rewrite. What sort of picture does it conjure up.
If you want to PM me. no problem. In which case do a case study on this and give me two versions of what your imagination come up with.

Glostergull wrote:I take it your pretty young as some of the language printed seems to suggest. Don't be put off by all our comments. Rather, use them to spur you on to greater things.

If you want to get ahead of the rest please remember that we are not into knocking you but wanting you to do well. So you need to listen and not take this to heart.

Right. To Brass tacks.
firstly. I would encourage you to take as much interest in English lessons as you can, and also take, if your not already. English literature. Any Journalist is a wordsmith. so you need to not just learn the grammar and spelling but also how to use words artistically. The main problem I can see from your piece is, it's written from a young persons perspective. let me Explain. Young people, and I use this word advisedly. Learn a lot of their language from social media. That is to say, they tend to use slang and abbreviations that eventually creep into out everyday language. Now the occasional use to this can work, but not often. So it tends to show up as poor use of Grammar.

I'm not knocking you over this. I strongly believe that our education system is letting our youngsters down. I ran my own company and had many youths come in on work experience and the standard of all main subjects has fallen over the years. even writing style has fallen so you can barely read it now. We used to spend hours just learning how to write let alone how to spell. This attitude within the education system has let academic standards plummet. And I am pretty angry that you have become the victim.

So what can you do about a language that should excite you. and if you want to do, what you tell us you want to do. Then you need to get excited about writing. reading and composing.
Now this next piece of advice is probably tinged with a bit of controversy. But I would urge you to look up any reports done either verbally or written by Stuart Hall. yes the one who has been banged up, Yes he is a criminal but he did know how to use words when reporting on a football match. quote one for a game between Everton and Hull. The shot by Arteta, a thing of Beauty. Swerving, dipping, a beautiful parabola. Evertons football rose to classic sophisticated stylish patina. That's how to really use our beautiful language.
try not to use too many cliches. and think how poetic you could rewrite the piece above.

Now. please don't mope. Try a rewrite. then come back to us and let us see if you can taken on board what we have told you. after all. don't you want to be the next Wordworth of the journalists. a good journalist will be used. nay. taken on and read. But a great Journalist will be noticed and go of to greater things. When I read any sort of report I want not just to be informed but sometimes depending on what is being reported, Entertained.
Learn our language and become a great journalist. Because right now with so many of the good ones gone. there is a wide yawning gap to be filled. Why not YOU !

I truly, desperately hope that this is written ironically.

I take it your pretty young as some of the language printed seems to suggest. Don't be put off by all our comments. Rather, use them to spur you on to greater things.

If you want to get ahead of the rest please remember that we are not into knocking you but wanting you to do well. So you need to listen and not take this to heart.

Right. To Brass tacks.
firstly. I would encourage you to take as much interest in English lessons as you can, and also take, if your not already. English literature. Any Journalist is a wordsmith. so you need to not just learn the grammar and spelling but also how to use words artistically. The main problem I can see from your piece is, it's written from a young persons perspective. let me Explain. Young people, and I use this word advisedly. Learn a lot of their language from social media. That is to say, they tend to use slang and abbreviations that eventually creep into out everyday language. Now the occasional use to this can work, but not often. So it tends to show up as poor use of Grammar.

I'm not knocking you over this. I strongly believe that our education system is letting our youngsters down. I ran my own company and had many youths come in on work experience and the standard of all main subjects has fallen over the years. even writing style has fallen so you can barely read it now. We used to spend hours just learning how to write let alone how to spell. This attitude within the education system has let academic standards plummet. And I am pretty angry that you have become the victim.

So what can you do about a language that should excite you. and if you want to do, what you tell us you want to do. Then you need to get excited about writing. reading and composing.
Now this next piece of advice is probably tinged with a bit of controversy. But I would urge you to look up any reports done either verbally or written by Stuart Hall. yes the one who has been banged up, Yes he is a criminal but he did know how to use words when reporting on a football match. quote one for a game between Everton and Hull. The shot by Arteta, a thing of Beauty. Swerving, dipping, a beautiful parabola. Evertons football rose to classic sophisticated stylish patina. That's how to really use our beautiful language.
try not to use too many cliches. and think how poetic you could rewrite the piece above.

Now. please don't mope. Try a rewrite. then come back to us and let us see if you can taken on board what we have told you. after all. don't you want to be the next Wordworth of the journalists. a good journalist will be used. nay. taken on and read. But a great Journalist will be noticed and go of to greater things. When I read any sort of report I want not just to be informed but sometimes depending on what is being reported, Entertained.
Learn our language and become a great journalist. Because right now with so many of the good ones gone. there is a wide yawning gap to be filled. Why not YOU !

A lot of people have gone into depth here, and a lot of their points are valid. My main criticism - which I think ties in with what a lot of people are saying - would be that it is too dry. It reads like a set of bullet points.

Don't be afraid to consider the context of the occasion, the atmosphere in the stand and the way it makes you feel. This is what we try to achieve in Highway to Hele.

Keep writing and do what comes naturally, try to develop your own style.

Thanks for sharing.

Good effort, Brixhamgull. There's lots of detail and you include the key points of the match which is obviously important. However, there are a few points I'd like to make.

brixhamgull wrote:Magical. That's how you can describe Young's wonder goal against the welsh Wrexham side. United had to come from behind to beat fellow promotion hopefuls, Wrexham.

This opening is a bit clumsy. You would never describe Torquay as the English Torquay side so don't call Wrexham the Welsh (always capital) Wrexham side. Also, always use both names for a player the first time you mention them in a report. Then you only have to use his surname afterwards (unless there are two players with the same surname playing).

This rolls off the tongue a bit better for an opening par: "Magical. That's how to describe Luke Young's wonder goal as Torquay United came from behind to beat fellow promotion hopefuls Wrexham." I've used fewer words than your opening par but have basically said exactly the same thing.

One of the biggest issues is that you switch between the present and past tense. You would normally use the present tense when writing a live commentary/blog, while a report is usually written in the past tense. Either way, you need to stick to one.

brixhamgull wrote:In the 29th minute, what looked to be a routine drop kick from Rice turned sour as he struck the ball into the back of the Wrexham striker's head. Louis Moult had a simple tap in gifted to him from the Gulls keeper to put his side 1-0 up.

This is in the past tense which is fine, although on a separate note, it should be "...the back of Louis Moult's head. The Wrexham striker had a simple tap in..." because the way it's written doesn't make it clear that Louis Moult is the Wrexham striker.

brixhamgull wrote:the ball is cleared into empty space where Briscoe challenges a Wrexham fullback. The ball pops out into the feet of Ajala who plays a ball back to Briscoe. Louis led the Torquay attack with support from Bowman and Ajala.

This is in the present tense. It should be "the ball was cleared into empty space where Briscoe challenged a Wrexham fullback. The ball popped out into the feet of Ajala who played a ball back to Briscoe."

Also, never refer to a player using their forename as you have done with Louis Briscoe (unless a player is commonly known by his forename like a lot of Brazilians).

brixhamgull wrote:The game was sealed when Rice hoofed the ball up towards Wrexham back two.

This suggests that this was a key moment in the game. The game wasn't sealed because Rice hoofed the ball towards the Wrexham back two (I'm also not sure what a 'back two' is).

A couple of other notes; you often refer to Wrexham as "the Welsh side". Try and use other terms like "the visitors", "the Dragons" etc to avoid repetition. Always use a capital letter for the Gulls or any other nickname. And usually numbers are written out if they are below 10 (unless it's the start of a sentence).

My advice would be to read as many reports as possible (newspapers, websites etc). They will all have their own style guides but you'll get a feel for how they are constructed. Like anything, it's just about practice, practice, practice.

Paragraphs would be good.

A few bits:
Welsh has a capital 'W'.
Welsh Wrexham side doesn't really mean anything.
"The game started pretty slow" - no, slowly.
Not much happened - Then why write it?
Having previously written the full name 'Louis Moult' you then write that Ajala plays the ball back to Briscoe, starting your next sentence with Louis led the Torquay attack. Who is Louis, is it a surname of a player, is it Louis Moult..? How is a layperson to know who you're referring to?
The tense of your piece seems a bit off, in some cases present, in others past.

Keep at it though, it'll take a while to get used to writing in a different style.

No paragraphing, an over-abundance of simple sentences (it seems that this is in an effort to be dramatic, but it just reads badly), no capitalisation on 'Welsh' and a tendency to switch between tenses.

Also, most articles in papers etc tend to start with a version of 'who-what-when-where-why-how'. For example: A magical goal from Luke Young inspired a Torquay United comeback away at fellow Conference promotion hopefuls Wrexham last night.

You obviously have a passion for the sport, so try reading articles from established journalists and studying their writing style and layout; perhaps you could consider doing a creative writing course if you're set on pursuing this? However, if I were to be incredibly frank then I'd say that it would take a significant overhaul of your current style before you could seriously look at attempting to break into the field.

Blunt? Yes. I'd rather do honesty than blow sunshine up everybody's backsides, that way lies embarrassment on the X-Factor and suchlike.

Paragraphs would be nice - makes it a lot easier to read.

Also - "American" spelling hacks me off. "Equalizer" should, if written in "proper" English, should be spelt "Equaliser" for example.

I'll admit that I've not read the rest as, without paragraphs, it's rather difficult to read.

I'm wanting to get into sports journalism and wanted to see what some people think of a small extract I've done. This is based from the Wrexham game.
Any feedback is appreciated.

Magical. That's how you can describe Young's wonder goal against the welsh Wrexham side. United had to come from behind to beat fellow promotion hopefuls, Wrexham.
With Downes, Achempong and Richards all suspended, Pearce, Wakefield and Ajala were all placed into the starting 11. The game started pretty slow, not much happened. No real chances were made. In the 29th minute, what looked to be a routine drop kick from Rice turned sour as he struck the ball into the back of the Wrexham striker's head. Louis Moult had a simple tap in gifted to him from the Gulls keeper to put his side 1-0 up. Soon after Torquay put on the pressure, from a Wrexham corner, the ball is cleared into empty space where Briscoe challenges a Wrexham fullback. The ball pops out into the feet of Ajala who plays a ball back to Briscoe. Louis led the Torquay attack with support from Bowman and Ajala. He delayed a possible through ball to Bowman until he reached the box where he crossed the ball into the six yard box where Bowman shot straight into the body of the Wrexham keeper. The half finished at 1-0 to the Welsh team. It took just 20 minutes for the home side to snatch a equalizer. Dale Tonge runs into the final third and plays a cross into the box where Ajala is there to take the ball down and plays a ball to Briscoe on the edge of the box who hits it first time into the bottom left hand corner, beating the keeper and his near post. Game on. The welsh side seemed to just give in. Young came close to putting the yellows infront when his free kick from the corner of the box hit the inside of the post. Wrexham's keeper appeared to have collided with the post causing a stoppage while he received treatment. He had no choice but to stay on as Wrexham had no other keeper on the bench. United had to take advantage of this. With just 6 minutes remaining, what can only be described and magical happened. Tom Cruise took a throw in to Briscoe who played a simple one-two with Cruise, the ex Arsenal full back played a poor cross into the box for a Wrexham defender to head the ball out of danger. Well so they thought. Young was first to the ball. The gulls skipper takes one touch to flick the ball up and volleys it from 25 yards out, towards goal. The ball strikes the inside of the far post and crosses the line. Wrexham's injured keeper had no chance of saving this. He only had to watch the ball strike his post and pass the line. The Launa Windows Stadium erupted with noise. Young runs over to the popside to celebrate, while his team follows. This could have been one of the nicest goals ever scored here. Courtney Cameron was shown a yellow for celebrating in the crowd. Young, with a beaming smile on his face, tries to encourage the yellow army to keep them going till the end of the game. Torquay, as you'd expect, sat back to defend. The game was sealed when Rice hoofed the ball up towards Wrexham back two. The referee blew his whistle to finish off a memorable game for young gulls captain, Luke Young, and the crowd of 2,350. United had snatched all 3 points in the English v Welsh game. A fantastic game to witness. Wrexham's manager Kevin Wilkin said "To lose it to the wonder strike that we have is disappointing'.